Marriage; The Ultimate Goal?

To answer the question we first need to understand what a goal is. A ‘goal‘ is defined as an aim or a desired result. It is also known as the destination of a journey and a point marking the end of a race. And ‘ultimate‘ refers to the eventual or final happening.

Talking about marriage, then according to our society YES it happens to be the ultimate goal that also makes you ‘GOL‘ (fat) as one of my friend says, where mothers start seeing ‘sehray k phool‘ veiling their sons faces and ‘ye peela jora aur hari hari chooriyan‘ on their paraaya dhans (daughters) as soon as they are welcomed into this world. To add to the satire, the same society that once believed in getting married as the eventual consequence of your purpose of existence then starts demanding the cultivation of not acres of lands or crops but a bunch of closely-gapped, all sized and substantial amount children for your own living.

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Glancing back at the unmarried me, marriage itself to me never occurred as a goal or an ambition I was very fond of. For me it was rather a moral obligation (all hail to our cultural system) I had somewhere at the back of my mind that I needed to fulfil at the right time with the right person. For me it was like a phase I couldn’t stop from advancing me though tried my best to keep it from coming by locking myself up in the washroom while the proposal party (now my in-laws :D) sat outside waiting to meet me. And what brought me out was none of the threats my mother warned me with or the international call my father made to have a few words with me. It was neither my maamu banging the door to not cry a river and behave sanely nor my sister’s requests to not put up a show. It was just this very sentence, “He is qualified and well-educated.”

Also read: Secrets To Happiness

This was one of the goals I had regarding being married. An educated person to spend my life with who can help me in pursuing my dreams and ambitions. Because life doesn’t stops after marriage. It is meant to go on which is not possible without setting some aims, planning some targets and then putting in efforts to meet them. You achieve one milestone and then you strive for another. It is a continuous process crucial for our progression and development.

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Reason behind getting married:

We humans crave for companionship and procreation because we are designed that way and this is the whole crux behind getting married. To do it all legally under complete ethical boundaries. Thus, finding the right person is a goal. Should be for all. Rational approach towards marriage demands us all to think of it as a bridge between partnership assisting the couple to walk through their journey together and reach their individual set of goals, the roots of which underlie in a successful marriage. Because marriage itself is like a tender and fragile little baby that nurtures and grows stronger with time on daily basis. It cannot be seen as the final stop to your journey of evolution and moving forward in life and hence cannot be the ultimate goal.

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But then what is the ultimate goal or goals?

They are the ones that are independent of the mandatory requirement of marriage and those that can be attained by you as an individual. Lets list down some.

1. Finding mental peace and happiness.
2. Carrying out a healthy lifestyle
3. Discovering all your potentials and showing the world what you are capable of
4. Achieving milestones and successes through rightful means
5. Striving to improve yourself and thus becoming a better version of you
6. Carrying out deeds for a decent living in this world and the hereafter
7. Stabilizing yourself physically, financially, emotionally and thus being independent
8. Setting up an example for others to follow
9. Leaving behind your mark so that the legacy continues
10. If considering to get married then finding the right person and if already chosen, then testing him/her by all means before jumping to the final decision because it’s a matter of the lifetime.

And in-case this post reached you while being already married, then your ultimate goals should still continue being the above ones but with a slight addition and that is continuing your marriage and leading it in the most decent, ideal and honorable way by setting up examples for your next generation to follow.

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Also read: After-Effects Of Marriage

Feel free to add some points to the above list via comments.

After-Effects Of Marriage

The ‘Married‘ label not only amends your current status in the social circle, on Facebook as well as your NIC and passport but like it or lump it, it also brings some eminent changes in your personality, timber, routine, perspective, obsessions, habits and your stance about life.

You have to live by these changes and welcome them with open arms only for your peace of mind embracing a happy living.
The sooner, the better.

Because we girls have been growing up listening to the words “compromise” and “flexible” since I guess, forever?

So what does this label of being ‘married‘ do to you? Let me jot down some.

First and foremost, it changes your “mera” to “hamara”!

Because it’s a journey from mine to ours.
My bedroom, my washroom, my bed, my tv, my light, my pankha, my dressing table, my side lamps, my treadmill, my billi, my chooza (wrong)
Replace ‘my‘ with ‘our‘ and read again!
Perfect now?
It takes a while to get used to it.
I remember soon after getting married I asked my husband to go somewhere to which he said “chalo” and I asked “apki car mein?” He replied “No, hamari car mein!
I felt a lump in my throat right then whispering “Awwww how sweet!

Image source:Google

2. Your commands become your duties

A sudden realization shakes you from top to bottom. It’s not your Ammi ka ghar anymore where you were the ruling monarch of the kingdom constantly instructing and bribing your siblings to obey if you are the eldest or there are 1 or 2 smaller than you.

Pre-marriage:
Yar pani pila do sawaab kamao”
“Meri Sapphire ki shirt chaiye?”
“Han chaiye”
“Pehle bartan dho do
And as little as screaming your lungs out summoning your siblings and then asking for AC/TV remote that is just across you on the table in the same room.
And also innocently asking your mother about your food choices.
Ammi mere liye bhi do rotiyan bana dein
Ammi aaj nihari bana lein
Post Marriage:
Ammi, kitni rotiyan banani hain?
Sunein, aj kia pakaon?”
What would you like for breakfast?
Also Read: Let’s talk ‘Post Marriage Happiness’

3. You start taking the saying “Sharing is caring” as solemnly as a slate gravestone!

There is nothing you don’t offer to everyone before having it to yourself. Specially that last bite of a Magnum ice-cream or a McDonald’s burger, a Delizia brownie or a Pay To Biryani has possibly escaped your better half’s mouth (fortunately) after at least 5-7 attempts of offering (because puchna farz hai) before ending in yours.
And the last bite has it all!!!

The unmarried you, who could gulp down an entire bar of chocolate alone or ingurgitate a whole 500ml soda can within a single minute now eats patiently and drinks with no rush only after making sure others are well satiated.

Image source: Google

4. Wiper and mop become your best buddies!

Among the basic requirements of life essential for your living, there’s a willy-nilly addition to it. Mopping the wet washroom after Mr. husband takes shower becomes a daily norm. You may skip a one time meal but can you live by a wet bathroom having water scattered like the world map with bodily hairs marking the borders and separating countries and continents? Certainly not!!

5. You become an automated mobile peg picking whatever comes your way

From dirty clothes that intended to go in the laundry basket but landed right on your washroom door, collecting socks and pairing them-one from the north side of your room and the other one on south, to a protruding neck-tie peeking from under the bed and in order to pull it out you discover a whole world of long-lost objects that even your maid couldn’t locate.

6. You start a unisex campaign for a few mutual things

Your cute pink washroom slippers change to oversized huge black/blue ones capable of accommodating a dinosaur’s foot too.
Mr. husband’s comfy tees (Pj’s being your own) replace your girly and sometimes sexy sleepwear. And not to forget a few of his scents and perfumes you put on occasionally because their fragrances are way better scented than ours. Aren’t they?

7. Your personal things require a separate space

You have to search for another place not easily reachable for your towel, comb and nail cutter because the male species don’t really mind to get their hands on yours unless they are a clean freak.

8. A set sleep schedule

You are no longer that carefree bird who slept when sleepy and woke up when the body ached after lying sleep dead for hours. You now have short and finite number of hours to get some rest while accommodating the ME time within that stretch. Either sleep or enjoy, the choice and time is yours.

Image source: Google

9. You have to be stand-by when he takes shower

To keep your sanity intact, observe how long your husband takes shower and once calculated, be present outside the washroom to hold his oh-so-wet towel otherwise it may end up landing on your just-perfectly-made-bed or your full of cushions comfy couch.

10. Providing free entertainment for everybody

No matter how much you suck at talking, serving and interacting, you start attending guests and serving them one after the other engaging everyone with their talk of interest. Yes, marriage does this to you. Bonus points if you are already an extrovert.
Also read: Silent Girls Struggles

11. You bid a goodbye to all kinds of “shame shame

You certainly know this well. All the sharam and lehaz is barely for the starting 2 months. It doesn’t mean you become be-sharam! Rather, you just open up to the extent a rubber band can be fully pulled before breaking. Tensile stress in Physics! You start putting up demands and shamelessly asking for money instead of waiting for pocket money from abbu jee!
You have a new motto in life now i-e

couples who fart together, stay together

12. Adulting served right

All the adult jokes start making sense to you if you were a naive one before and you enjoy being a part of those secret code word conversations. There is an increase in your decent vocab bringing in new information from none other than your soul partner!

13. Generosity becomes your virtue

Before getting married, you only knew the meaning of receiving. Receiving gifts, money, invitations, greetings from your family. But marriage makes you as generous as the sun in spring. You start spending on your family. Start surprising them with random gifts. You start planning to make their special days worth remembering investing in ideas and unique birthday presents.

14. Monitored washroom visits

You can no more enjoy the freedom you had before getting married. The washroom freedom. Stay for a little longer than 10 minutes and there will be continuous knocks and never-ending questions about you feeling okay or not. When finally you decide to show up, mr. Husband is right there waiting for you like he has seen you after years. Centuries maybe. And how to forget the question “Kheriyat? Itni dair kyun laga di?”

Matlab ab washroom bhi sukoon se nahi ja saktey!

15. You become picture obsessed

If you were a strictly-no-picture person before, then you are not the same anymore. You tend to capture every moment now and have at least 10 pictures of the same moment before you settle for the final picture that too after a lot of resistance from mr. Soul partner. You keep looking for a good background on every wall, nook and corner. Deleting any pictures or transferring them is the last thing you ought to do unless you are unable to install the system software update after countless alerts because: Low disc space issues!

Can you relate to any one of the above? Let me know via comments.

Let’s talk ‘Post Marriage Happiness’

The word ‘happiness’ holds within an ocean of meanings and factors contributing to the state of just being happy. It’s not just a word. It’s an entire sea of emotions motioning with waves of contentment, pleasure, well-being, energy, liveliness, self satisfaction, high spirits and good relationships to name a few. It happens when your heart and mind are in uniformity with each other.

Our society however fails to understand this. It overlooks the depth of feelings and attributes a “zaati ghar, gaari, bangla, nokar chaakar” as the ultimate sources of happiness. When objected, people say things like “Allah ka dia sab kuch tou hai. Aur kia chaiye?

What they don’t seem to realize is that it’s totally absurd to link happiness with material things. A ghar gaari bangla cannot ever be standards measuring it. Yes, these may be vital for your good living but just them alone cannot necessarily make you entirely happy. There is a chain of factors linked with the state of being contented through your heart and soul.

In the society we live in, a girl after hardly a week to her marriage is asked “Khush tou ho na?” Though no one has dictated this before to her but she herself comes to the realization that saying a NO will absolutely mess up things for her. A woman’s level of happiness cannot be calculated in a day or a week. Though having good inlaws and a very supportive husband does matter alot. But it takes time. Years maybe. Adjusting in the new phase of life and seeking happiness in little things around you is not easy. You have to fight your inner self and mould yourself to adapt to new changes. Your hormones in the entire journey never leave you and keep adjusting themselves in this new phase of life with you taking a toll on your mood, nature and personality whenever they feel like.

The magical period of honeymoon too doesn’t last long. You have to get over with it someday because practicality and real life problems await you with open arms ready to hug you tight nearly squeezing your ribs and sometimes suffocating you. The fairytale period has to end one day with a pat on your shoulder saying “Adios! A whole new life welcomes you

That’s when the bubble bursts and you are hit hard with a thud on ground.

Because yes, you were flying before.

Flying in the fairyland.

Dreaming.

Hoping that life pauses.

Wishing for the time to stop.

But it doesn’t. It is meant to go on. There is no way back. You may look back and cherish those moments but you cannot entirely bring the time back.

Saying for myself, I got married and shifted to Karachi while my parents still stayed abroad. There was no such thing like my maika here. No weekend plans of visiting my parent’s house and staying overnight. No gossip sessions with my sisters. It was all over my face. The longing of snuggling in my mom’s arms and having a heart to heart conversation with my dad. Mobile phones and video calls cannot replace the warmth attached with the human touch. People with the mentality “ab tou Skype, Whatsapp, Imo hai. Ab konsi doori ka ehsaas” either have no feelings or they are very hard at their hearts. Because none of this can ever replace your bond with family.

Once back from my loveliest honeymoon, my dark days started. That was the time I had sudden outbursts of crying. Mood swings at its peak. Anger management issues. Nothing made me happy. I was trying hard to accomodate myself in new lifestyle. Socializing with people was so difficult. I forgot what does laughing from inside mean. I had stomach upsets every other day. And then there were countless questions like

Ammi abbu yaad atey hain?“, “Karachi mein set hogai ho?“.

How can people be so cruel to know what you are going through and still asking the same to satisfy their inquisitions.

Yes, I wasn’t happy back then. Disappointed with myself for failing to cope up with my new relationships. Complaining to god as to why only me without my parents staying at the same place. Why I don’t get to visit them every week like other girls. Why I don’t have no one here to vent my heart out.

I remember seeing off my family at the airport when for the first time they were leaving after my marriage and I cried a river. From seeing them off till getting back home all I did was just crying. The security officials stopped my husband on the way back at a place or two and inquired as who am I to him. He had to show our wedding pictures as a proof of our relation and then he begged me to stop crying.

The newly married me was in a state of utter dejection.

I was covered with gloom from head to toe. A genuine laugh from me was forgone.Yeah it was that bad.

I then tried hard to embrace my new life and sought my support system in my mil and fil. I had my husband’s back throughout. My sil used to cheer me up as much as she could. She being a recently married girl understood me so well when at times my husband failed to do so. Because after all it was a new journey for him too. And some how, with time it started getting better.

I started owning my house. Started getting possessive about it. One day I walked through every room of my home, touched every nook and corner and whispered “yes it is mine. I belong here“. The mango tree in front yard was mine. The fruit it bore the next summer, I proudly called it mine and bragged to everyone about those desi ghar k aam. Mere ghar k aaam!

It took time. A year for me.

This journey of ownership and control took alot of patience, courage and strength from me. It took 12 months to get used to all this. 12 months to cook what I liked and to express my likings and dislikes. 12 months to share my opinions in the house. 12 months to open up regarding my feelings and expressions.

All this taught me how to be expressive. How to be happy with things and relationships I have around me. And slowly the void in my life started filling. Though I had that typical ghar gaari bangla but happiness was what was missing. I started getting excited to eat a thailey wali chaat and gandey wale french fries. Aalu k samosey and kachoris. Mirchili ki samosa chaat and Gappa gotala and 50 rupees wale bun kabab. Started memorising the roads of Karachi because it was now my home. Gradually, I got in love with this city of lights and recommended people about the newly opened restaurants here. Started going shopping to Ashiyana, Gulf, Tariq road with my mil and sil not out of formality but because I was willing. Willing to explore the unseen.

Yes all this took time. But I am happy I aced it. I finally found happiness. No one sold it ever. It was within me. I just had to discover it and I am glad I did. I brought back my lost smiles. My endless laughters. And now I am fully contented, satisfied, happy and thankful.

Initially, it’s hard for every girl getting married. Specially a girl moving to another country. Leaving behind her best friends and family. Because marriage itself is a roller coster ride in a topsy turvy land at start. Acceptability and realization are the keys to enjoy it. The sooner, the better.

Did you go through a hard time seeking happiness after marriage?

Do let me know how did you cope with it.