After-Effects Of Marriage

The ‘Married‘ label not only amends your current status in the social circle, on Facebook as well as your NIC and passport but like it or lump it, it also brings some eminent changes in your personality, timber, routine, perspective, obsessions, habits and your stance about life.

You have to live by these changes and welcome them with open arms only for your peace of mind embracing a happy living.
The sooner, the better.

Because we girls have been growing up listening to the words “compromise” and “flexible” since I guess, forever?

So what does this label of being ‘married‘ do to you? Let me jot down some.

First and foremost, it changes your “mera” to “hamara”!

Because it’s a journey from mine to ours.
My bedroom, my washroom, my bed, my tv, my light, my pankha, my dressing table, my side lamps, my treadmill, my billi, my chooza (wrong)
Replace ‘my‘ with ‘our‘ and read again!
Perfect now?
It takes a while to get used to it.
I remember soon after getting married I asked my husband to go somewhere to which he said “chalo” and I asked “apki car mein?” He replied “No, hamari car mein!
I felt a lump in my throat right then whispering “Awwww how sweet!

Image source:Google

2. Your commands become your duties

A sudden realization shakes you from top to bottom. It’s not your Ammi ka ghar anymore where you were the ruling monarch of the kingdom constantly instructing and bribing your siblings to obey if you are the eldest or there are 1 or 2 smaller than you.

Pre-marriage:
Yar pani pila do sawaab kamao”
“Meri Sapphire ki shirt chaiye?”
“Han chaiye”
“Pehle bartan dho do
And as little as screaming your lungs out summoning your siblings and then asking for AC/TV remote that is just across you on the table in the same room.
And also innocently asking your mother about your food choices.
Ammi mere liye bhi do rotiyan bana dein
Ammi aaj nihari bana lein
Post Marriage:
Ammi, kitni rotiyan banani hain?
Sunein, aj kia pakaon?”
What would you like for breakfast?
Also Read: Let’s talk ‘Post Marriage Happiness’

3. You start taking the saying “Sharing is caring” as solemnly as a slate gravestone!

There is nothing you don’t offer to everyone before having it to yourself. Specially that last bite of a Magnum ice-cream or a McDonald’s burger, a Delizia brownie or a Pay To Biryani has possibly escaped your better half’s mouth (fortunately) after at least 5-7 attempts of offering (because puchna farz hai) before ending in yours.
And the last bite has it all!!!

The unmarried you, who could gulp down an entire bar of chocolate alone or ingurgitate a whole 500ml soda can within a single minute now eats patiently and drinks with no rush only after making sure others are well satiated.

Image source: Google

4. Wiper and mop become your best buddies!

Among the basic requirements of life essential for your living, there’s a willy-nilly addition to it. Mopping the wet washroom after Mr. husband takes shower becomes a daily norm. You may skip a one time meal but can you live by a wet bathroom having water scattered like the world map with bodily hairs marking the borders and separating countries and continents? Certainly not!!

5. You become an automated mobile peg picking whatever comes your way

From dirty clothes that intended to go in the laundry basket but landed right on your washroom door, collecting socks and pairing them-one from the north side of your room and the other one on south, to a protruding neck-tie peeking from under the bed and in order to pull it out you discover a whole world of long-lost objects that even your maid couldn’t locate.

6. You start a unisex campaign for a few mutual things

Your cute pink washroom slippers change to oversized huge black/blue ones capable of accommodating a dinosaur’s foot too.
Mr. husband’s comfy tees (Pj’s being your own) replace your girly and sometimes sexy sleepwear. And not to forget a few of his scents and perfumes you put on occasionally because their fragrances are way better scented than ours. Aren’t they?

7. Your personal things require a separate space

You have to search for another place not easily reachable for your towel, comb and nail cutter because the male species don’t really mind to get their hands on yours unless they are a clean freak.

8. A set sleep schedule

You are no longer that carefree bird who slept when sleepy and woke up when the body ached after lying sleep dead for hours. You now have short and finite number of hours to get some rest while accommodating the ME time within that stretch. Either sleep or enjoy, the choice and time is yours.

Image source: Google

9. You have to be stand-by when he takes shower

To keep your sanity intact, observe how long your husband takes shower and once calculated, be present outside the washroom to hold his oh-so-wet towel otherwise it may end up landing on your just-perfectly-made-bed or your full of cushions comfy couch.

10. Providing free entertainment for everybody

No matter how much you suck at talking, serving and interacting, you start attending guests and serving them one after the other engaging everyone with their talk of interest. Yes, marriage does this to you. Bonus points if you are already an extrovert.
Also read: Silent Girls Struggles

11. You bid a goodbye to all kinds of “shame shame

You certainly know this well. All the sharam and lehaz is barely for the starting 2 months. It doesn’t mean you become be-sharam! Rather, you just open up to the extent a rubber band can be fully pulled before breaking. Tensile stress in Physics! You start putting up demands and shamelessly asking for money instead of waiting for pocket money from abbu jee!
You have a new motto in life now i-e

couples who fart together, stay together

12. Adulting served right

All the adult jokes start making sense to you if you were a naive one before and you enjoy being a part of those secret code word conversations. There is an increase in your decent vocab bringing in new information from none other than your soul partner!

13. Generosity becomes your virtue

Before getting married, you only knew the meaning of receiving. Receiving gifts, money, invitations, greetings from your family. But marriage makes you as generous as the sun in spring. You start spending on your family. Start surprising them with random gifts. You start planning to make their special days worth remembering investing in ideas and unique birthday presents.

14. Monitored washroom visits

You can no more enjoy the freedom you had before getting married. The washroom freedom. Stay for a little longer than 10 minutes and there will be continuous knocks and never-ending questions about you feeling okay or not. When finally you decide to show up, mr. Husband is right there waiting for you like he has seen you after years. Centuries maybe. And how to forget the question “Kheriyat? Itni dair kyun laga di?”

Matlab ab washroom bhi sukoon se nahi ja saktey!

15. You become picture obsessed

If you were a strictly-no-picture person before, then you are not the same anymore. You tend to capture every moment now and have at least 10 pictures of the same moment before you settle for the final picture that too after a lot of resistance from mr. Soul partner. You keep looking for a good background on every wall, nook and corner. Deleting any pictures or transferring them is the last thing you ought to do unless you are unable to install the system software update after countless alerts because: Low disc space issues!

Can you relate to any one of the above? Let me know via comments.

A day without maid

Day today started with the usual drill. Silencing the alarm with barely an eye open, leaving the warmth of my bed, sitting up for a minute to gather up all my strengths, lifting my heavy feet to leave the room because Mr.kitchen was calling my name to prepare my son’s lunch. Then waking him up, getting him ready for school, seeing him off with his father and returning to my room to tidy it up. Musing between having another brief round of sleep or remaining awake to welcome my maid, I decided the latter.

Scrolling between the television channels for time killing purpose I glanced up at my clock and it showed 10.30am. The exact time when she shows up daily.

Expecting my doorbell to ring any second from now, I sat upright and all ready to receive her with an inner mocking voice “han han ao tou sahi. Bohot kaam parey hain tumhare liye”..

Dismissing it with a complete nod of my head and laughing at myself for this evil-ish thought I made a virtual list of tasks in my mind that needed to be completed by my house help. Suddenly I realized it has been a little up than 10.30am. Caught between slight horror and brief shock of panic, I again checked the time.

11 am!! 30 mins past the time she usually shows up!!

My heart thudded minorly but I assured myself saying “abi aati he hogi. Dair se nikli hogi shayad. Thori dair aur intezar karlu”. The clock kept on ticking with minutes turning to 1 hour and then two and it (my wall clock) continued bawling at me the entire time. Walking sluggishly, I peeped into my kitchen to examine about all the ifs, buts and thens and what I felt right after was my heart throbbing, legs shaking, hands trembling and myself feeling sheepish from head to toe at the sight of the kitchen sink overloaded with dirty utensils because “bartan dhona” is the last task I would like to perform before dying but however, I do it when needed.

Again comforting myself with the words “thori dair aur wait kar k dekh leti hu”, I munched on a granola bar because it didn’t require another plate off shelf and falsely because “ek plate bachane se bohot farq par jaega jese”..

The clock struck 12:00 pm!

With an utter disbelief and hasty glance of these digits at my mobile screen (because I found the wall clock to be staring and laughing at me with a big wide mouth) , I stood up assuring myself its time now and advanced towards the kitchen reluctantly touching the first dirty dish and scrubbing it with a faint hope still somewhere inside me saying “Shayad aa jae”.

The time as it stops for no one kept on passing and all dishes were finally done washing. With shabby hands and a sigh from somewhere deep down in my heart, the kitchen slabs and stove was then cleaned, the floor mopped and dishes arranged on shelves. Leaving the kitchen I finally whispered to myself “And Alas! She didn’t come today”. Only if she could have informed earlier and I had been mentally prepared for this kind of unexpected start to my day.

Relishing the lavishness according to one’s affordable limits, having a domestic helper for your home now has become a necessity rather than a luxury as it was once assumed. And even now, many Pakistanis living abroad long for this because of expensive manual labor outside Pakistan. Memories of the distributed house chores between me, my mother and sisters are still fresh in my mind from our time back in Muscat bacause hiring a maid was expensive and minorly because my father is of the thinking “Larkiyo ko sab kaam aney chaiye ta k waqt parne pe koi mushkil na ho”. Which I after having a son believe equally important for boys too and already talked about that in my blogpost ‘breaking the stereotype’. Kher, coming towards the context, we had days and timings fixed with alotted duties to the three of us and me sometimes enjoying the perks of being the eldest would bribe my sisters to do my part.

Being married in Pakistan, we already had a domestic help and my family shifting back to Pakistan afterwards, the first thing my mother did was hiring a maid she most longed for living abroad. And now on my daily calls to Ammi when I don’t get to visit her the first question we mutually ask is “Aaj Shahida ai thi?”, “Han ai thi tumhari taraf Tahira ai?” As if maid na hui koi ghar ka fard hogai jiski kheriat maloom karna is so mandatory!

This surely indicates our maids being an integral part of our households with a prominent importance to be asked for and being worried about if they don’t show up.

However they are also humans and no robots. They may need a day or two off for any xyz reason which can be overlooked on humanitarian grounds. 🙂

Had a day without your maid?

I will be glad knowing your experiences with the house chores.

Breaking the stereotype

We desi people living in the 21st century when get to know about someone expecting a child, the first thing we observe as our duty is to pass our greetings by saying:

Ye beta beti kuch ni hota, aaj kal dono barabar hain. Bus aulad naik aur sehatmand ho.

This particular thought of ours is absolutely positive and the need of this hour except for some typical aunties of the uninviting mindset beta burhapey ka sahara“, “beta baap ka baazuand some vain stuff like that. Speaking of myself, we are 3 sisters only but lets leave its pros and cons for some other time.

Anyways, soon after the baby is born, this notion diminishes somewhere when we start associating the term “boyish” with babyboys and “girlishwith babygirls. May it be about colors, toys, activities and xyz other things except clothes. There is no rule of thumb like this but just in our minds as I too am very much peculiar about the color blue for my son. But I guess it is absolutely okay for him to wear some unisex shades of pinks as well. So, I hope my point now justifies.

Now, let me share a small incident about gender inequality with you all that forced me to highlight this topic.

My son being a youtube geek, apart from watching the famous Baby shark doo doo doo”, loves to watch cute baby videos of them playing, singing or engaging in other activities. One day I peeped into what he was watching because there’s something known as parental control.

What caught my attention was a little girl cutting some sort of detachable wooden veges and Arsal was so keenly watching her do that. The sound those veges made being slaughtered (as forcefully she was cutting them) was so real that I couldn’t help myself thinking about the mechanism they followed.

The other day while window shopping in Miniso (luckyone mall), I saw a box of those same cute little veges. With my mind already made up for buying it if not for Arsal then for myself because dil tou bacha hai jeee, I still found the courtesy in asking him if he wants it.

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With just a brief “yes” he excitedly grabbed it from the shelf and ran off to show it to his baba. We bought it and got home. When I told a few people about these interesting little pieces, I got to hear things like,

Isse boys thori khelte hain

And

Ye tou girls ki cheezain hain

These were said by the same people who brag about their open mindedness by saying the very same thing “ye beta beti kuch ni hota……”. If such was the case, there wouldn’t have been a single male chef in the entire world or a ladies tailor who is a male either.

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Instead of nourishing such thoughts, please stand against them. Encourage your sons if they show interest in various kitchen tasks because the word “kitchen” is linked to the female gender since forever which is absolutely mistaken. And secondly because there is no harm in learning a bit more than just chae banana and anda ubaalna.

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After all, a good son today will be a better husband tomorrow. And I will be more than happy and proud to embrace this reality because it is a mother who shapes good husbands for future.

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Pride in one’s mother tongue

Today, when I see my kid burbling some of the famous urdu poems like “Aalu Miyan” and “Hathi mera sathi”, I have a feeling of pride and joy because having studied outside Pakistan myself and specially going to a pre-school where the only medium of study was English and no other language not even Arabic, I was unaware of such cute poems that bring you real close to your mother tongue.

Back in those days there was no vast reach of internet either. So, when we used to travel to Pakistan for vacations and I used to see my cousins singing these poems, it looked so awkward to me and I used to think “poems in urdu for real??”

But now when I see my kid humming these famous poems among many others, I do feel proud because I didn’t get to learn these in the first place. And the first time he came to me and said “Mamma, Aalu miyan”, I literally opened youtube and learnt it myself so that Arsal may realize it’s fun to learn things in Urdu as well and that his mamma knows them too.

There is absolutely no shame if a Pakistani child is grasping Urdu a little ahead of English because at the end of the day, Twinkle twinkle little star, Johny Johny and Baa baa black sheep tou har bachey ko he ajati hai! These 3 poems are like the first day lessons when he/she is born!!

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P.s Not the first Jummah in school but Arsal’s first Jummah wearing Kurta Shalwar to school Mashallah. ❤