Should We Suffer Violence Or Vocalize?

With special reference to drama serial “Kesa Hai Naseeban” that is showcasing domestic violence and marital abuse, I felt provoked to limits.

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Ever since I gained consciousness and life acted as an eye opener for me, I have been keenly observing that words ‘patience‘, ‘tolerance‘ and ‘adjustments‘ are solely associated with women.

We are lectured from teenage and not to forget those exclusive ones just before getting hitched about spending entire life ahead with compromises and inducing flexibility in our disposition. We are taught to make adjustments in all kinds of circumstances putting our self-worth at stake too if the times call for so.
We are instructed to keep personal matters to ourselves which is a good notion but what if the matters consist of abuse, violence, curse-shaming and toxic relationship only?

Instead of asking them to exercise patience and tolerance, why don’t we strive for our daughters to be educated and be able to stand at their own feet?

Why don’t we make them economically independent before marrying them?

Why don’t we stress enough on monetizing their skills?

Why don’t we ponder upon the aspect of confidence building while raising them?

Why don’t we teach them that how to face the blows of life for your right?

Why don’t we make them learn how to stand up for their own self when needed?

Why don’t we make it prominent that we are always there to listen?

Why don’t we tell them that in case the marriage proves to be unfavorable, they won’t be abandoned?

Why don’t we instruct them that being vocal about their problems and sharing them is totally okay?

Few reasons for not imparting these lessons among our daughters are because the society doesn’t take a minute to spare anyone from its wrath.

Because we are reluctant enough to face the pointed fingers.

Because women being the sinf-e-nazuk are assumed to be capable of doing no more than suffer what ever life has to offer them.

Because being vocal about a torturous life would not save us from public-shaming.

Because we will set an example of public disgrace and family dishonor by doing so.

But the question that arises now is should marriage be the sole responsibility parents are obliged to fulfill for their daughters?

I have seen parents not spending enough on daughters because “inho ne tou dusre ghar chale jana hai!
Who can guarantee that this ‘dusra ghar‘ will surely be an ‘acha ghar‘?
No one certainly!

But what we can vouch for should be our daughters being able to survive all weathers and stand strong against the rough winds and thunderstorms, being able to change their course or leaving their place and unblocking the passage for the bizarre air to prevail.

Because daughters are the fragile flowers that should be blooming in a garden spreading their beauty and fragrance, being regularly taken care of by a person who appreciates her presence, respects her reservations and protects her from rough patches on the bumpy road of life.

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On Your Third Birthday

My dear son,

The moment I heard your first cry at 11.55 am and the moment when you were given to me and I held you in my arms, so close to my heart is something I so profoundly remember and will continue to cherish until the last of my breaths.

It has been a delight to see you grow from a tiny little peanut sized body on the ultrasound screen to turning three years of age today.

Your tiny, fisted hands that would always clench upon my finger are now capable to do little chores and making you lesser dependant upon me, gradually. And one day, you shall become taller, taller than me and maybe your father too outgrowing my hands that once covered yours. The fragile baby is turning to a stronger, a masculine boy over the years.

One day, you are going to be independant and self-sufficient, no more relying upon me to bathe you, select your clothes, set your hairs, trim your nails, put on your socks and shoes.

One day, you will be marrying a girl who shall be your soul partner and life-long companion. She will be the one with whom you will set your goals, aims and fulfil your dreams. You will be starting a family and have kids. You will be having your own worries and happy times.

Let me tell you something my child!

The moment I got to know about giving birth to you, I held a strong opinion with full determination of not looking upon you as my lifetime asset. We, your parents do not spend upon you as an investment that shall reciprocate when your father retires. It is our duty to provide you with the best of everything only to see you standing at your own feet, settling in your life and leading a happy, uninterrupted and content one with your wife and kids with zero interference from us.

I do not want that girl to water the plants of my home. Rather I want her to set a garden and nourish the flowers at your home. I do not want to assign her duties or ask for serving me. I want her to look after you and your home. I want to see her as the queen there flaunting her title beautifully.

Everytime you throw a tantrum or show anger and a stubborn reaction, I calm you down. Often politely and sometimes through scolding.

Why?

Not because it is wrong. But due to the reason that I do not want anyone to question my upbringing. I shall not approve the idea of you being unable to control your temperament. I shall not entertain the fact of anyone complaining me about you specially your wife.

This is the foremost I can do for you being a mother. To raise you as the best of a person, a son and a husband.

You are too small to understand all this right now. But my purpose of conveying this is to let you know that I had these plans for you from the very beginning.

You being my first child shall always stay closest to my heart because you are special. You are the reason that Almighty granted me the honour of motherhood. You completed me as a woman. Your brought happiness in our lives. You made your parents have a family of their own. You defined “we” and “us”. It is only the three of us. You, me and your father. My safe haven. My entire world. My happy place.

A very happy 3rd birthday to you my dear Arsal.

Picture credits: https://www.instagram.com/cheftographergirl/

May you live long, happy and healthy and enjoy all the bounties life has to offer you.

Ameen.

A Brotherless Life Or A Botherless One?

Disclaimer: This post doesn’t intend to hurt or offend anyone’s feelings with brothers around.

One of the darkest and the most prevailing mindset that has been continuing from the primitive days is gauging the strength of a woman by the number of sons she bore. And in case she failed to produce none, then those emphatic eyes and sentences like

Haye bechari ka koi beta nahi” “Kash k ek he beta hojata“, “Burhapey ka sahara hota“, follow her to the grave.

I clearly remember, when my mom was expecting her third and the last one after a gap of nine years, people from family and far off acquaintance would ask me being the eldest to pray whole-heartedly for a brother this time to bring an end to our brother-less years.
Dil se dua mango, Allah miyan bacho ki dua qubool karta hai“, was what they used to say.

Everytime there was a baby boy in a gathering, they would ask me and my younger sister to hold him caress him but we used to brush off this stupid notion and continued praying for a sister again because we were obsessed with pinks of feminine.

And to utter surprise, our prayers were answered. We were blessed with a cute little doll this day, sixteen years ago.

(Yes, it is her birthday today)

While my mom, a bit disheartened from the societal pressure called my father and told,

“It’s a girl again”,

He scolded her back and said,

Shukar karo sehatmand aulad se nawaza Allah ne“.

Life progressed further with a mandatory question everytime we met new people. The questions would either be “Kitne bache hain aap k?

Teen betiyan hain mashallah

Ohh tchh! Beta ni hai?

Or

Kitne behen bhai ho?

Jee we are three sisters mashallah

Aur bhai?”

Jee koi ni

Aye haye! Chalo allah malik hai

The point of sharing this is the fact that people without sons and brothers do have a life. Yes they do. There are surely some difficulties they have to face but then, whose life is a bed of roses?

Our fathers might have to work for extra years.

Our mothers might have to do house chores without an additional help of a daughter-in-law.

We sisters might have to rush between admin offices, college departments, university surveys- ALONE.

We might have to pay extra visits and go extra lengths to cater to our parents needs but if a son can do so, why can’t a daughter too?

Does it makes our family any less of a normal household?

Does the fact of having no other male at home except our father outcasts us from the society?

Do we starve for fresh air or other basic necessities due to no other bread earner?

Certainly not!

Showing sympathies and throwing emphatic glances does not make us feel blue but rather represents your low mentality of considering a son as a life-time asset when he is not. Neither is his wife or kids. They are free to opt for the living system of their choice Islamically!

LIFE WITH SISTERS:

With only a few challanges to face, living among sisters is the best blessings from Almighty. They are your best friends by birth. They are the non-judgement party. They are a mother’s strength and the father’s pride. They are each other’s support always ready to back you up.

While everyone is pampered by their brothers, we sisters coddle each other infinitely.

While others ask their brothers to bring them their favourite food in the wee hours, we sisters order meals of each other’s choice.

While other parents proudly flaunt their articles gifted by their sons, our parents with content faces declare their presents gifted by their daughters.

While other’s children are spoiled by their maamus (maternal uncle), my child is pampered by his khalas and khalu.

We don’t have to worry about our parents being taken care of or being treated ill by any outsider entity.

We are the glory and advisories of our parents home and enjoy serving the purpose.

We are the Queens of their home, without any fear of giving up on our titles, ever.

Charms Of Monotony

While everyone of us, some time or the other gets bored with the monotony of our lives, the wearisome and mundane affairs and the daily grind that sits ahead of us every night and waits for us to get in gear and start the drive all over again next day,

Have we ever thought or experienced the consequences of a certain task from our unvaried routine that we are not able to perform due to any xyz reasons?

Just yesterday, I stayed at home unable to pick my son from school due to my husband’s commitment elsewhere. Though, I got a chance to enjoy an extra long, steamy, uninterrupted shower, I felt my heart at a complete loss.

I saw a void in my day, a gaping hole.

Like something’s lacking.

Like the picture has missing colours.

The uljhan, the discontentment, the unsatisfaction, the depression.

And then I realized the crux of this situation. Though the tedious routine does make our life seem dull and colourless, we however get so used to it to the extent that it surely becomes the reason of us staying busy, happy and productive all day long. It grants us ultimatum, aims and deadlines to work on.

It gets us going.

Because as Benjamin Franklin said,

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man.

Isn’t it?

The Dont’s Of Parenting

As they say, with greater power comes greater responsibility and once stepping into parenthood, you are now accountable for the greatest of responsibilities. Nurturing a tiny human to see it grow, groom and bloom is not an easy task and requires a lot of work and energy until it becomes an absolute delight to see our fully grown kids emitting sparks of mannerism and etiquette.

While many people have already listed the Do’s and Dont’s of parenting, I intended to comprise a few Dont’s too according to my observation and speculation while raising a kid.

1. Don’t compare

Stop all sorts of comparisons and fretting over your child in terms of his physical growth, eating habits, sleeping routine, academic performance, sporty spirit and lack of interests in any sort of activity that his age mates might be showing inclination in. One thing that might be good for other kids shouldn’t necessarily benefit your child too because all circumstances are not the same for everyone. Each child is unique so let his individuality remain intact. Comparing your kid with others or with yourself as a kid will bring you no good and rather shatter your confidence and your child’s.

Also read: Beauty Of Acceptance In Marriage

2. Don’t bribe

In order to raise honest beings, stand true by your words and don’t commit for anything you won’t be able to do. Bribing them with fake promises will have them loose their trust in your word and ultimately they won’t be able to learn the importance of loyalty, truth and honesty.

3. Don’t argue in front of your kids

Children are great observers with tremendous extent of a picky nature. Don’t argue, fight or talk in a high volume with your spouse in front of them.

I remember just recently while I was driving with Mr.husband seated right beside me and I bumped over a speed breaker to which he anxiously asked me to watch out in a bit louder tone and our son presumed it as a scolding. Later that day he went around chanting baba scolded mamma and we were like “what even?”

4. Don’t buy them too many gifts

I am a staunch believer of this theory. Stop buying too many gifts for your kids without any event, occasion or an incentive. This lessens the importance of surprises and the beauty of completing tasks and therefore being rewarded for it. This also causes them loose interest in activities or them playing their part on behavioral grounds because they know they will surely get something by the end.

Also read: Marriage; The Ultimate Goal?

5. Don’t say them a ‘No’ and then fulfill their demand

This for me is the most crucial part in my parenting. A ‘YES‘ should remain a yes and a ‘NO‘ should end being a no, no matter what. Changing it to the opposite will give rise to a stubborn nature and the kids will end up making you accept all kinds of irrational demand because they know how to change a NO to a Yes by continuous persistence and crying. Also, they will start assuming themselves in charge and giving little to no value to your commands.

In addition to this, it is very much important to set your parenting approach right from day one. Also, this all is not possible to implement without the support of your spouse and the people living around your kid.

Stay determined and stand firm because after all it is the parents who have the authority to decide for their children.

Feel free to add other not-to-do’s according to your experiences.

Open Letter To My Younger Sister

Dear sister,

I have never said this on your face and probably never will, but I love you. I love you from the depth of my heart.

A wreck of an emotional yet an unexpressive person that I am, but the day you got married, it was beyond the bounds of possibility to control my tears. Tears of seeing you getting happily married and tears of being unable to meet you everytime I shall visit the roof we together once shared. Tears of the colourful memories we made throughout our childhood and tears for the times we fought like crazy cats. Tears for the happy times we shared and the moments of chaos when we stood together stronger and united.

That day was hard on me. I had my fears.

Fears of loosing you to unknown entities.

Fears of witnessing a changed ‘You’ the next day.

Fears of having to share and divide the emotional attachment between us.

Fears of compromising on the privacy between our matters.

It felt like giving away a piece that was so close to my heart.

It felt as if my happy bubble was being bursted by intruders.

It felt like being stranded in an ocean with a pirate ship advancing to hold you a hostage while leaving me behind all free.

But now as you are days away from completing your first round of a happy marriage, I am thankful to Almighty for blessing you with the best Mashallah.

For all the times when people inquisited about how many siblings I have and upon learning about no brothers their sympathetic faces that rather looked pathetic to me and still do, I am thankful to Almighty for blessing me with sisters and no brothers or their wives to be talked about.

Because not everyone is blessed with sisterhood, its perks and the feeling of not being judged no matter whatever you share with each other. It is such a delight in life to have a sister like you that calls for having an automatic best friend, soul mate, crime partner and gossip pooler.

Stay blessed today and always for all the years to come.

Happy Birthday.

Much love,
Elder sister

Beauty Of Acceptance In Marriage

While the married status continues to teach you a lot of things, travelling to your family also helps you in broadening your horizons and thinking beyond the lines. It shows you new aspects of family bonding and blesses you with memories you can cherish for a lifetime.

2018 has been the year with two trips in my pocket. Earlier in the year I went with only my husband and son and already looking forward to more trips like it that gave us (the family of three) a chance to come closer and have time and days to solely us.

Later the past year, we decided to have a trip to Islamabad and farther. The special thing about this visit was that we stayed at my husband’s uncle’s place. This assisted me in witnessing the true colours (in a positive way) of our typical Pakistani Post-marriage system and it taught me one fine lesson that is the root of all other concepts linked with marriage.

Acceptance

Marriage is all about acceptance. Accepting the new lifestyle, changes and your husband’s family by heart. You cannot enjoy their company by holding grudges in your heart. You cannot indulge yourself in the family perks brought to you by this sacred relation.

Once a daughter and a sister/sil now you are a wife who is someone’s daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. Once a khala or a phuppo, now you are a Taai, chachi or a mami. And that calls for showing extra affection and owning your new family. Because marriage means being readily open to receive additional love and shower even more endearments. It also means leaving a mark on their hearts by the genuine you because that’s how our society is and I believe there is no harm in doing so until your individuality and originality is intact.

I remember once I was missing my parents dearly back home yet I found myself in fits of laughter on some jokes and humor being cracked by my brother-in-laws. It was then that I thought to myself, why am I so cheerful without my parents by my side? How can I be all smiles without my sisters around? How can I be wandering so contented with just a few minutes call to my parents every other day or two? Why am I so happy without ‘My People‘?

And that’s when realization shook me. These are my people too. This is my family too. I haven’t born in this house yet being regarded and loved as my husband’s wife and mother to my son is enough to hold this family close to my heart.

And the very moment I understood this notion, my days filled with joys and laughters. I enjoyed each day spent around my extended inlaws. I loved how the connection was equally stronger on both sides.

Lastly; as my father-in-law and parents say, “It’s always in the girl’s hand to either make it or break it (under favourable conditions for her).

Let me know your thoughts on this. 🙂